The Right Way to Meditate

I wish I were braver.

I watched a man laugh at a young girl, I think they were related, and tell her that she’d never meditated.  He had asked her if she had, after explaining that he was an expert to someone else, that he had all the books, that he could astral project, and I thought maybe by asking if she had ever meditated, he was asking her to join his world.

But he laughed at her when she said yes.  He said there’s no way you’ve ever meditated, not here in the city, not where you can hear the buzzing of electronics.  Haha, no.  He did not ask for her, he asked to prove his superiority.

The cruelty was so damn petty.  I’m sure he didn’t even notice it as cruelty.  It pissed me off.  I’m sure you can tell, because I am writing a blog post about it.  But here’s where I get petty: he was FUCKING WRONG.

I was a punk kid who was obsessed with being right, and one day, I saw my brother praying with his hands pressed into his forehead.  I laughed and told him he was doing it the wrong way.  My mother, Saint Cindy, gave me one of the greatest lessons of my childhood.  You will not make fun of your brother for praying, and there is no wrong way to communicate with God.  Everybody does it different.  The journey is private, and personal, and sacred.

That man had no right to laugh at that girl for how and where she meditated.  Her path toward peace does not need his validation.  And I wish I could have said that when I saw him laughing.  But anger hits me very slow, and articulation even later.  So here I am, two days late, telling the void that Everybody can meditate.  You don’t need to trash your electronics or read every book ever written on the subject.  You need to breathe, and keep breathing.

And don’t let your journey interrupt anyone else’s.

 

 

Hi, I’m Megan!

Fabulous news first: My story “Where You Get Your Ideas” is live right now for any ears to hear at Cast of Wonders!

The host A. Merc Rustad had so many nice words about my story (and I totally fangirled while listening because I have been a fan of their work for a while), and Dani Daly did such a wonderful job with J_’s voice!  Please give it a listen.  I can promise blood forged swords and banshee skulls, but There’s no fighting in the ideas shop!

All other news second:  I went to NorWesCon41!  It was big, and frightening, and I managed to talk to people before the convention is over.  In previous years, I was an awkward specter so overwhelmed with human contact that I forgot to tell Tina Connolly how much I loved Iron Skin until we had already parted for the elevator.  (Very glad I ran back to tell her, because she’s wonderful and Toasted Cake is now a delicious part of my weekly story diet.)

Leaving my routine is difficult, even for things I really love.  Like story telling, and learning more about story telling, and lavish costumes derived from a communal love for story telling.  NorWesCon is something I have been to before, but it only happens one week out of the year, and it changes in small ways that can’t be foreseen.  It’s difficult to make it routine, and so I plan myself around it.  I use some magical thinking to keep grounded; clothes I’ve made, favorite boots, calming objects in my purse.  And I have my schedule on my phone so I know what to expect.

Still, the biggest obstacle for me is the number of people.  But that number drops dramatically when you hold out your hand to people you’ve only met briefly online and say “Hi, I’m Megan!”  Then you only have to worry about the people standing with you!  And they do cool things, make cool things, travel to places you don’t know much about and oh my goodness it is so wonderful to meet people.

This might seem obvious.  This was not obvious to me in 2016.  I had only brushed with it at the end of NorWesCon 2017.  This year I managed on the first day.  It might have been the “everything is fine” code I knit into the fabric of my sweater, but I think it has more to do with the incredibly welcoming community of science fiction and fantasy writers that will bring you in and ask what you’re working on.

I am having a harder time writing this than I thought I would.  Admitting my anxieties is still something I’m getting used to, and it takes a lot more strength to acknowledge them than it does to suffer them in silence.

Highlights of NorWesCon:

A hotel beer with TJ Berry who shared my woes over working retail at a bookstore, and has a book coming soon called Space Unicorn Blues.

The Fairwood Writer’s workshop read the first three chapters of my novella, and gave me suggestions to revamp it in a way that could make it traditionally marketable.  I have a lot of work ahead of me, but it’s worth it to get this book into a trad publisher.

The readings.  Always the readings are wonderful.

Lowlights:

Putting off anxiety in big ways manifested in a small strange sensation that my toe had come detached from my foot inside my boot, and it got so strong that I missed a YA writing panel I wanted to see.  My toe is still attached, and there are no bloodstains on my boot, but I definitely had to spend some time in the bathroom massaging my foot to ensure my body was working.

 

 

Character study

I am planning a new story!  Here is how I’ve been planning:

j and Gnat and a dragon

I am certain that these two characters will at one point encounter a dragon.  And I am certain that Princess Natalia Neinugrava will be wearing frilly boots with suspiciously practical soles.  J_ will wear their favorite tee-shirt, even though it could never be described as lucky.  I am less certain how they will get to the next scene, because my plans for stories are a collection of scribbled scene ideas and drawings and scraps of dialogue that I am looking forward to writing.

I am sure that there are very practical ways of composing an outline, but I have a very hard time focusing on the practical when I am sitting down to write.  I have to make a game of it.  I write through the scaffolding parts of a story and am rewarded with the pieces I am most excited to write.  Dialogue and image are fun for me.  They make good rewards.

But without the context of the story they live in, they’re flat.

J_ Tillie Gnat

The trick is staying excited about the ending.  But its hard to think of the fun that far in the future.  So I draw my characters and I think about what they wear, what they think is funny, and how they’d like things to end.  And If I’ve done it write, they’ll carry that fun through after I’ve gone through the trouble of beginning.

And middling.

And to be honest, ending is hard, too.

Writing is hard.  Staying focused on a story is hard.  Sustaining the joy required for creating is very hard.  But I have managed before.  I’ll do it again.

I have another week before drafting begins.  In between, I am attending NorWesCon, which is a local-to-me convention for science fiction and fantasy.  Aside from books and the hours I’ve spent writing, it is where I get a lot of my craft education.  MFA’s are expensive, and difficult to break into when you’ve got a spotty history of education and a healthy interest in speculative fiction.  Summer spec-fic workshops are difficult to get into because of the number of applicants.  Many of the writing panels at NorWesCon are tailored to newer writers (people who have yet to sell any stories), but there are a few that focus directly on what I want to write.

Some of my favorite educational moments from last year came from watching other writers read, and I am excited to have that opportunity again.  The best education in story telling is still enthusiastic story reading.

 

Terror Tactile

I am a little obsessed with the physical objects one finds in fiction.  Hermione’s time turner in Harry Potter, the comic book in Station Eleven, Breq’s serviceable tea set in Ancillary Justice; pretty things which characters can hold.  Things that reflect on the person holding them, that deepen our connection to a character.

I like making things.  When I was a kid, my dad made our garage into a wood shop and I was allowed to make things with the scraps, so I always felt capable.  I made a doll because no one else made an action figure of my favorite NPC in a Nintendo 64 flight simulator.  My brother and I made lightsabers out of tree branches and wailed on each other through the dunes at Ocean Shores.  And in 1999, I stripped the bark from a plum tree branch and scribed Harry Potter spells into the handle with a little electric wood-burner. The more work I put into it, the more it felt like magic.

A coworker taught me to knit in my 20’s.  A lot of work goes into sweaters, more than enough for magic.  And I am a writer.  I channel magic through language.  “U R O K” is raised in Morse code on the left sleeve of my sweater.  It works to keep me calm.  So does the fit of the sweater.  And the elk prancing across the yoke.  Magic is made of many things.

Life and art are intrinsically linked, and the magic of this life belongs equally to the magic in my stories.  So I wrote about a person who makes the most fantastic objects in fiction, and I gave them the greatest power I know of; the power to create.

Their story will be a part of the Artemis Rising month at Cast of Wonders.  It’s going live on the 25th of this month.  It involves windchimes made of banshee skulls and swords forged from the iron draw out of dragons blood.  Much work goes into collecting dragon’s blood; more magical even than sweaters.

I plan to continue their story beyond the short featured at Cast of Wonders, and I’m telling myself that I’ll need more skills for making.  Block printing, sand casting, maybe even some welding!

Well, maybe I’ll start with the block printing… must remember to set aside time to write 😉

Capture No Lightning

Some stories flash onto the screen through my fingers as though I am a conduit for their lightning.  These are not reliable stories.  It can be years in between lightning.  But I want to tell stories more than once every three years.  I get fidgety if I don’t.

Recently I took part in a competition (gentlemen’s agreement style, no prize but the works produced) to churn out fully written stories in the span of two days.  One came easy, like lightning.  Two were like dredging mud from the back of my brain.  And two were like constructing lightning from the inside of a bottle.

Those last two worked.  They had the spark of a lightning story, they read easy, but in the throws of writing I was a bit of a mess.  Each story was written to a prompt (both to aid in story writing, and to show that each story was written whole cloth over the two days), and in my notes I had dashed off so many false starts that I can’t even decipher what I was thinking two weeks later.

But as I scribbled all my false starts, I tapped into old memories.  When I was very small, the neighbor girl was the coolest person in the whole wide world, and she liked to play with Barbies.  I did not, because I didn’t understand the rules to playing Barbies, but I wanted to play with her, so I ended up playing Ken most the time.  Later on, I had a craft kit, and I made my own doll because I really wanted a figure from a Nintendo64 flight simulator that nobody else cared about, and there is no holding back a nine year old with a glue gun.

These memories collapsed into each other, and where I had nothing, memories bubbled into story.

It helped that I had been exercising the parts of my brain wired for story.  The lightning I had constructed found a natural path toward character.  Writing is one of those practices that from the outside looks the same at step one and at step 100, but oh man does that practice pay off.

And all this might seem common sense to anyone on step 101 of the never ending staircase to authorial perfection, but I am putting this here to remind myself that it is possible to conjure a story when it feels like there is nothing.  Find your blank page and a pen, and fill it with nonsense.  Somewhere, eventually, something will spark.